Irremediably Collateral and Supplemental
by OverMaster
Summary: The Magical World is filled with many problems. But the one you really need to keep your eyes on... is that Guild of idiots, Fairy Tail! A spinoff of Unequally Rational and Emotional adapting the Fairy Tail special chapters. Crossovers include Negima, Rayearth, Utena, Mai HiME, Zero no Tsukaima, One Piece, Vandread, Bleach, Konosuba, Slayers, Kingdom Hearts, and Fate Grand Order.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Negima, To Love Ru, Lyrical Nanoha, Sailor Moon, My Little Pony, Batman, Game of Thrones, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Oh My Goddess, Tenchi Muyo, School Days, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi, Haganai, My Little Sister Can't be that Cute, Sailor Moon, Ranma One Half, The World God Only Knows, the Disney Animated Canon, Aika, Uncle Grandpa, Steven Universe, Harry Potter, Neon Genesis Evangelion, The Dresden Files, Fate Stay Night, Judge Dredd, Kill La Kill, The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, Bible Black, The Terminator, Fairy Tail or any other well known work of fiction, or else this would be canon. Thank God for the small miracles.

I make no money from this.

* * *

 **Irredemediably Collateral and Supplemental**.

 **Chapter One: Happy's Little Job**.

* * *

The small blue cat sat on the table, looking up with gigantic, watery eyes at the kitchen's stands, which had been completely emptied after last night's huge banquet. His stomach chose that moment to roar like the cat himself never could, and he, the cat, not the stomach, took a paw to his empty belly and meowed pitifully.

 _My name's Happy, and I'm a proud member of the Fairy Tail Guild! Fish is one of my favorite things in the whole world, but..._

* * *

Sobbing to himself, the small blue cat jumped off the table and made it to the building's main hall, which was completely desolated save for the curvy woman with long and wavy brown hair, in a white brassiere and tight pants, who snored at a corner hugging an empty bottle. He looked up at the board of announcements, until his eyes shone in glee. He jumped up and snatched the piece of paper that had caught his attention, holding it with fierce determination.

 _One day, while looking at the requests board of my guilt, eager as ever to take a new job to protect the helpless and innocent, I found one of the most incredible jobs ever seen!_ _Seriously, it was AWESOME!_

* * *

"Red Marimo? What the heck's that?" asked the blond and young Lucy Heartfilia, following Happy out of the guild's headquarters.

"Don't you know what's the Red Marimo? For shame, for shame!" happily sing-san Happy, holding the rolled up paper in a paw and wagging his long tail. "It's a dish of a legendary flavor that surpasses any other known meal! They say once you've eaten it, it's impossible to forget its taste!"

"Okay, if it's so great, then why haven't I ever heard about it, wise guy?" asked Lucy.

"Because you don't know the first thing on good meals? That must be why you're so skinny..." guessed the pink haired Natsu Dragneel, marching at the back of the trio.

Lucy turned back to face him. "What the hell, if right yesterday you were mocking me over being overweight!"

"Yeah, you're overweight, but just because all your excess weight goes to your boobs!" Natsu replied, gesturing over his own chest as if to draw the imaginary lines of titanic breasts on himself.

Happy rasped loudly, then petulantly lectured, "Years and years of overexploitation all but annihilated the Red Marimo, the proud flying fish of the East! But recently, they found a new colony at the mountains of Volang, where it's said an evil warlock named Dial is hoarding them! Our mission is to defeat the evildoer and retrieve the wonderful delicacy for the consumption of the masses!" he cried, shaking a tiny fist high.

Lucy blinked. "- whoa. I don't think I had ever heard you being so verbose anytime before..."

"Scary, huh?" Natsu nodded, and then yelped back in actual terror when he saw Happy had led them to a train station... "No way! Aren't we taking a whaleship, at least?!"

"Volang Village is a tiny town in the hillside, so it has no airport!" Happy seriously declared. "But that doesn't matter! For the Red Marimo, I'd get there even if I had to crawl through shredded glass on fire, on my stomach and pregnant..."

"You can't get pregnant, but I'm sure having babies if I have to ride that damn thing!" cried Natsu, stubbornly hugging a nearby tree like an overgrown koala, his eyes streaming waterfalls of tears.

Happy and Lucy exchanged jaded glares, and then Happy snapped his stubby fingers. "Do it," he said, tossing a crowbar to Lucy.

She caught it in the air and nodded. "Gotcha, I'll make sure to- Hey, why do I have to do it?!"

The bipedal kitten folded his arms and looked away into the horizon line. "I'm the brains of this operation, I can't be bothered with the menial work meant for underlings..."

"I don't remember ever signing to be your underling, period!" cried Lucy as she regardless began prying Natsu off the tree with the crowbar...

* * *

"So this is... the infamous Dial's evil hideout?" Lucy asked, as they stopped before the gates of a decaying, wrecked ancient castle on the skills of a dry hill, overlooking a dead river.

Crickets chirped.

Natsu began picking his nose.

"Ain't much of an evil lair, is it?" he finally asked.

"You can say that again!" Lucy nodded.

"But why? Oh, well. Ain't much of an evil-"

"That's not what I mean!" Lucy snapped. "The people at the village must have given us wrong directions!"

"I don't think so," Happy said, checking his map again. "The directions seem legit, so maybe Lucy misread them while bringing us here..."

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, IF IT WAS YOU WHO LED THE WAY?!" Lucy yelled at him.

"Who are you, and what are you doing here?!" asked a voice coming from behind them.

It was... not Dumbledore!

"Oh hey there!" Natsu cheerfully turned around, waving a hand at the short old man standing down the hill and staring angrily at them. He wore a gray tunic with a tall and pointy hat, shiny black boots, and a white cape. His eyebrows were very bushy and thick, and he held a cane with a red jewel at the end of it. There also was a large, fat gray rat perched on his right shoulder. "I'm Natsu of Fairy Tail, and these are Lucy and Happy!"

"You idiot, how many times I have to tell you that-!" Lucy began screeching at him before the old man slammed his cane down on the rocky ground.

"Fairy Tail!" he shouted. "Why are the guilds meddling into my business now!? Leave now, before I kick you out, punks!"

Lucy gulped. "Now, mister, there's no need to get pushy, we're just investigating rumors-"

"Give us the Red Marimo!" Happy urged, pointing a paw ahead.

"YOU TOO, HAPPY?!" Lucy cried.

A full white eyebrow was raised. "The Red Marimo? Oh, so it's about that. You foreigners wouldn't understand the first thing about the Red Marimo! Stop nosing around and head back, before something very bad happens to you! Now step aside, I've got business to attend to!" he began walking past them and towards the castle.

"Sure thing, if you want to make it hard," Natsu shrugged, stepping aside. "But we aren't going back without those fish!"

"Bah! Try it and you'll regret it!" the old mage grumbled, entering the castle and slamming close behind them without ever looking back.

Lucy gulped. "Cranky old fellow, isn't he?"

"You can say that again!" Natsu nodded.

"Why? Didn't you hear that he is a cranky old- Ohhh, forget it!" she snarled while Natsu laughed at her. "Anyway, don't you think that hideout is too crummy for a mage of any power whatsoever? Maybe he isn't the man we're looking for anyway."

"Or that castle might just have a cloaking glamour around it," Happy suggested.

"You may be right," Lucy conceded, "but without a magic cancel item, how can we even know-"

"There's a way!" Natsu said, picking a stone from the ground, twirling it between his fingers until it caught on fire, and then tossing it at one of the castle's ruined-looking towers. "Ai-hop!"

"Wait, what are you doing, you idiot, you-!" the curvy blonde screeched, while the flaming rock hit the tower... and then it collapsed unto itself.

"Whoa, it looks like it's a ruin for real," Natsu commented.

 **"THIS IS A DECLARATION OF WAR!"** the old man's voice roared from inside the castle, as two hulking armored gargoyles flew out of the wreckage, extending their wide black wings around.

"Oooohhhhh!" Natsu said, starry-eyed, before Lucy grabbed him by the scarf and dragged him along with her, in her mad dash downhill for dear life, Happy clinging to her heels. "A seven for henchmen, a two for decoration!"

"And a zero for your brains!" Lucy growled at him as she ran.

* * *

"Well, that was easy enough," later commented Happy, as he stood on the smoking ruins of the warlock's ancient manor, overlooking the fertile spawning grounds ahead. "Ah, the power of driven courage sure works miracles...!" he sighed.

"Hey, I did all the work here," grunted Natsu, holding the battered old man by his collar, on top of the remains of his alchemy laboratory. "So don't get so smug about it..."

"I think this made for a longer and better story back when Lina Inverse was doing it," said Lucy, straightening her microskirt back down and sighing heavily. "Okay, where's that wonderful ultra-tasty fish, then...?"

Happy pulled a fishing rod out and slammed it against the ground. "Old man!" he told the defeated warlock. "Summon the Red Marimo you've been hiding!"

"Fools!" Dial spat poisonously. "I've told you, you'll never have the Red Marimo! Not as long as there's any life in this body...!"

Natsu headbutted him.

The old man cried bitterly, now with two band-aids crossed over his forehead. "Why, you inhuman monsters! Very well, I'll summon them! But you'll only have yourselves to blame over what happens then! You are bringing a great evil upon your miserable hides!"

Natsu shook him. "Why are you calling Lucy a brainless boob monster of a miserable raspy hide and an empty skull you jerk!"

"... you made up more than half of that yourself..." Lucy growled as the old man closed his eyes, brought his hands together, and chanted a spell that quickly brought dozens of large flying fish around...

... and then they all swarmed on Lucy, biting on her all around her body.

"WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?!" Lucy yelled, madly waving her arms and legs around.

"I knew it!" Happy gushed, throwing his bait and hook at the school of Lucy-attacking fish. "Oh, Red Marimo, my dream catch, here I come forth! I'm going to give you everything I've got! I want to eat you! AND I'LL DO IT NO MATTER WHAT! _From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hunger's sake I spit my last breath at thee! Ye damned fish!"_

The Red Marimo just kept ignoring him and chomping at the screaming Lucy.

Happy turned around and began walking away, downtrodden. "... I give up."

"What a weak-willed little critter!" Dial gasped aloud.

Happy stopped and sniffed. "But none of them are biting, so what's the point...?"

 ** _"NO, ALL OF THEM ARE BITING!"_** Lucy disagreed.

"What's the point?" Dial asked Happy. "If it happened to be an easy task, do you think I'd have undertaken it myself? Do you think I'd have bothered to amass on fish anyone could catch and eat? FOOL! Where's the fighting spirit a magical warrior from a Guild should have? Even if you're a cat, show some of that courage! Look into the beasts' eyes and laugh at them, and then show them who's the master! That's the way of the Red Marimo connoisseur! Any man brave enough as to toss that into his stomach should be able to stare into the devil's eyes and laugh at him!"

"Grandfather...!" Happy looked at him, now suddenly moved to tears.

"You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age, boy!" Dial told him. "Only without fur, and with better whiskers! Believe in yourself and the world will bend to you! And then, you can gently caress its face as you take it from beh- URGK!" he said as a fish slapped him across the face.

"Lucyyyyyy!" Natsu whined. "What do you think you're doing, interrupting a man's heartfelt encouragement speech?"

"Yeah, seriously, Lucy!" Happy nodded.

The wheezing angry woman, her clothes ripped to shreds, bite marks all over her skin, just tossed two of the fish she had just beaten down at their faces as well.

* * *

 _And so, when all was said and done, I had caught a huge cartload's worth of Red Marimo! Alright!_

"Well then!" Happy finished tying a rag around his neck, then grabbing a fork and knife, licking his mouth all over. "Before delivering the Red Marimo to the customer, let's give it a toasted test taste!"

"Yippi-yay, yi-peee..." Lucy groaned as she took her own place at the guild's main dinner table, accepting her own plate of the well cooked fish. "This better be really, orgasmically delightful, after all I had to go through for-" She took her first mouthful, and then her face went green and purple all over. "- it, it is TERRIBLE!" she cried, spitting the fish she had been gagging out on. "Seriously, old man, why did you do to these fish?!"

The old man chained at the corner and waiting for delivery to the proper authorities sighed. "I didn't do anything to them, little lady. You'll see, the Red Marimo had been missing from menus everywhere for so long, no one ever realized it had always been an acquired taste from ancient times with very different preferences. That's why I just kept it hoarded without ever selling it! Once I found it myself, I realized I never could profit from it!"

Lucy groaned. "This is why, when anyone tells me all past times were better, I laugh at them..." She looked at Happy, who kept on stuffing his mouth at her side, and added, "Well, it's different for a cat's tongue, isn't it? I'm glad at least you could find some pleasure from this whole mess..."

Happy turned his own swollen, tear-stricken and green and purple face at her. "No, no, it's just awful, but I'm not going to turn back after getting this far..."

"IT'S TERRIBLE EVEN FOR YOU?!"

 _The Red Marimo... truly, a taste you'll never forget after trying it..._

* * *

 **The END**.

* * *

Natsu never stopped eating. "I don't find it bad at all..."

* * *

 **To be Continued**.


	2. Chapter 2

_Fairy Tail_ is the property and creation of Mashima Hiro and Kodansha.

 _Magic Knight Rayearth_ is the property and creation of CLAMP and Kodansha.

 _Mahou Sensei Negima!_ is the property and creation of Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.

* * *

 **Irremediably Collateral and Supplemental**.

 **Chapter Two: Life's a Beach**.

 **Proofreading and Edits by Shadow Crystal Mage**.

* * *

 **WARNING:** This chapter includes guest appearances by, amongst others, Kikukawa Yukino from _Mai HiME_ (not to be mistaken with Fairy Tail's own Yukino), Kiryuu Nanami and Tsuwabuki Mitsuru from _Revolutionary Girl Utena_ and Shidou Hikaru from _Magic Knight Rayearth_. To know who are they and what are they doing around the Guild, please feel welcome to read _Unequally Rational and Emotional_ and _Magic is what you want it to be_ , also from Yours Truly!

* * *

Lucy Heartfilia ran out of the dressing booth and onto the golden sands of the beach, tossing her loose, light blond hair back and spreading her arms in happiness. She made a small jump that caused her considerable assets to bounce visibly, and called out the ancient Summer Invocation known across both worlds.

"Ahhh, the beach! Blue skies! Yellow sands! White clouds! And me!" she coquettishly added, a tiny pink heart briefly fluttering at the end of the speech bubble hovering above her right then.

"Aye, Sirrrrr!" shouted Happy the cat, wearing an inner tube around his waist and jumping as well, waving a small paw up. Lucy was still too contented to let his presence ruin her mood, though. At least until he said, a moment later, "Shouldn't you be working right now, though? Such bad work ethics for someone who's still a newbie, tsk tsk...!"

She pressed the bare sole of a foot on his face and grinded it there while chuckling. "Of course I am working, Happy! If I came here at all, it's only because of a job offer posted on the request board! One that I don't remember applying to you at all...!"

* * *

At the Fairy Tail Guild, Loke stared helplessly at said board, and most specifically at the pinned post reading 'Beach Swimwear Model Needed' with Lucy's seal of acceptance plastered on it.

"... why didn't anyone ever tell me about this?"

* * *

"Look at the bright side, Heartfilia-san," Tsuwabuki Mitsuru said, "at least it's just us here tagging along, and not Loke-san or Makarov-sama..."

"Yeah, okay, point," Lucy grunted, finally lowering her foot from Happy's now purplish face. "At least you are- WHAT THE HELL, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE TOO?!"

"Well," Kiryuu Nanami said, wearing a pink one-piece with a frilly skirt added, plus sunglasses, a summer hat and matching sandals, "we aren't official members of your Guild, so why should we be restrained to your premises in the first place? We are to roam every corner of Mundus Magicus until we find the princess, after all!"

Lucy angrily pointed to the West mainland. "You could start looking up the dark mountains or something! I doubt the forces of darkness will keep the princess locked up at a vacation resort!"

Not far away, a tall, stone faced man with long dark hair and wearing identity-concealing magic sunglasses in swim trunks handed an ice-cold smoothie to a small, compact-looking girl with long blonde-haired and identity-concealing magic sunglasses in a bikini handcuffed to a beach chair.

Kikukawa Yukino, in a simple green one piece and sandals, gulped. "Th-That's right, of course, but we figured out we needed a short break after so many months of fruitless search..."

"What search, you've spent those months chilling at the guild, I don't even remember the last time you guys actually went out and fought anyone!" Lucy protested, tossing her arms up and causing all nearby average beachgoers to wisely keep a wide distance from her and her companions. "You guys must be the worst adventurer party ever, seriously!"

"... I think I'd like to disagree," muttered a brown-haired boy down the coastline who was being buried in the sand by a loli in a red one piece and pointy witch hat, a bombshell blonde in a tiny white bikini, and a chuckling blue haired drunk woman in a blue thong. "Also, help, please? Anyone willing to trade parties? I'll pay generously, I'm serious..."

Shidou Hikaru, in a sensible enough red bikini, giggled at Lucy's latest outburst. "Please calm down, Lucy-san! We're actually here for you, not because of the paradisaical sights, warm weather, or lack of any tables to tend to anywhere around!"

"... I think I'd like to disagree," muttered a spiky haired boy in swimming trunks working at a seafood stand not too far away, tending tables with a giant black dog-man and a short white duck. "Seriously, Donald, what in the world happened to all our munny?!"

The white duck rushed out an unintelligible explanation that had the Magic Knights, Lucy and Happy simply staring blankly at them, before the boy growled again, "Whaddya mean they don't accept munny in this world?! They accept munny everywhere from Agrabah to Deep Space!"

"... okay, anyway, the point is we're here to support you and your dreams!" Hikaru told Lucy, grabbing her hands and smiling. "Even if your dream is appearing in a porn magazine of dubious reputation!"

" _WEEKLY SORCERESS ILLUSTRATED_ IS NOT A PORN MAGAZINE!" Lucy protested, a vein bulging on her head. "It's an extremely prestigious publication filled with thought provoking articles on all manners of magical subjects!"

The small crowd passing along the beach had started whispering among themselves. "You heard that? They're about to start a porn shoot, man..."

"Don't get too excited, they'll probably cordon the area and shoo everyone away, damn mages thinking they own the world..."

"I hope the one with the sunglasses has a double page spread, she's so hot..."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING 'HOT', YOU DEVIANT?!" Nanami and Tsuwabuki both shouted furiously at the source of this particular whisper, who whimpered and ran away, losing himself in the crowd.

Lucy frowned bitterly. "Okay, so now we've made it clear **I DON'T DO PORN, SERIOUSLY, GUYS** , what the hell happened to that camera crew anyway? For members of a PRESTIGIOUS WHOLESOME NON-PORN MAGAZINE OF SPOTLESS REPUTATION, they sure are late! What a lack of professionalism!"

"No, you're just three hours early," Motsu observed while examining a clock in a webbed hand and Lucy's private diary in the other. "You're simply too eager to carry out this photoshoot, but in a good way."

"YOU TOO?!" Lucy screamed at the tiny green frog, her hair standing up.

Motsu looked stupidly at her. "What's the problem? I'm in this story too, even if I hadn't appeared in far too long. I was bound to be back, in a good way."

"Me too, nya!" Shimichi sweetly meowed, popping out of Lucy's handbag, which had been resting aside on the sand.

"Darling!" Happy ran to her.

"Sweetums, nya!" Shimichi bounced up to him, and they spun together in a tight embrace, pink hearts flapping away all around them. Lucy, the Knights and Motsu all cringed in disgust at the sudden display of cooing, meowing saccharine.

"Yeah, it's just sickening, ain't it?" Natsu Dragneel opined.

"You bet your ass," Gray Fullbuster agreed with him for once. "For the sake of all that's holy, let's just hope they can't breed..."

"GAH, EVEN YOU!" Lucy screamed, backing away in surprise at the sight of the Speedo wearing young men. "It's, it's a conspiracy! Mirajane never told me you'd be coming along too!"

"Mirajane's not my mom," Natsu snorted, picking his nose absently. "Anyway, we're Nakama, so we hadta come 'round t'make sure you weren't falling for a porn ring..."

"IT'S NOT PORN, IT'S ART!" Lucy shrieked. "Okay, who's next? Elfman? Cana, it's Cana, right? Oh Lord, no, but never mind, Cana would have started fondling me all over by now..."

"You've got too much porn in the brain," Natsu told her.

"Then again, I guess it'd make your magazine sell very well," pondered Gray. "You want me to give Cana a call...?"

"Do it and you'll be calling the hospital next!" Lucy threatened. "Listen up, now; I'll never forgive you, any of you, if you screw this photoshoot up! This is my big time ticket to fame and fortune!"

"Who'd pay you a fortune for seeing your naked body?" Natsu asked. "You keep showing it wherever you go for free, and you aren't even naked now anyway..."

The bikini clad blonde stomped a foot down. "Shut up, it's your fault I keep having accidents with my clothes wherever I go! People like you are the worst!"

Somewhere else, in Mundus Vetus, a spellbound Negi Springfield sneezed, violently stripped Takane D. Goodman and Sakura Mei, and then jumped past them to keep his pursuit of one Murakami Natsumi's lips...

"You heard Lucy already, boys," a calm, aloof Erza Scarlet said, walking up to greet them, in her usual ensemble of tall metal boots, armored chestplate and sleeves, and long black skirt. "Stop monkeying around and, I don't know, go chase boars around or something. We'll handle this among us girls, right, Lucy?"

"Even you, Miss Erza..." Lucy sighed sadly.

"Chasing boars?" Yukino asked the tall redhead. "What are you saying, Erza-san, shouldn't they go to the mountains for that?"

"Maybe that's exactly the point?" Tsuwabuki quite sensibly pointed out.

Natsu chuckled at Gray. "Heard that, Gray? They don't even know about sea boars!"

Gray smiled and shook his head. "Such noobs, really..."

"GROOOOOO!" agreed a boar's head, briefly poking out of the seawater.

"AH!" Natsu jumped for it. "It's mine! This one's mine!"

"Only if I don't get it first, you punk!" Gray roared, running after him.

Lucy watched the boys bolting away for the sea with a pout, and then looked at Erza again. "By the way, why are you wearing that armor at the beach? Aren't you feeling like you're cooking alive?"

"It's good endurance training," Erza smiled. "But I'll admit it does look quite out of place here, so... Hah!" she gave a short cry as she equipped her armor magic, and a second later she stood there... wearing a very revealing, shiny silver bikini made of...

"I-IRON?!" Lucy gasped, her eyes bugging out.

Erza folded her arms and chuckled. "Only because I don't have swimming in mind just yet. If I change my mind, I'll equip a steel bikini instead..."

"Aren't you sinking wearing something like that in the water?!" Nanami said. "No, forget that, isn't it burning your crotch? You're wearing hot metal on top of a sensitive area that's only meant to be treated nicely!"

"Excuse me," the blonde bombshell in the brief white bikini said, drooling slightly. "Where can I get a metal bikini like that?"

"No. It's good strength and heat endurance training," Erza explained for Nanami, with her hands on her hips, enjoying the awed gawkings and admiration filled glances from the assorted beachgoers, and wondering how long it would take for one of them to grow bold so she could have some good old punching fun at last. "By the way, Lucy, do you even have any swimsuit modeling experience?"

"It's not porn, it's just swims- I mean, no, I don't have any, sorry!" she corrected herself in mind sentence, chuckling apologetically. "But it's okay, how hard can it be? I'm sure I'll be a natural!"

"You only have experience at porn then, in a good way?" Motsu asked, right before Lucy stomped him down.

"Why the violence?" Happy asked. "I thought that was a perfectly valid question myseEEEEEEEE, CANNONBALL!" he excitedly said as he was punted off into the sea.

Shimichi happily bounced after him. "Ohhhh, let's go skinny dipping, yes...!"

"You never wear any clothes!" Lucy shouted at them, then turned angrily on the others. "And I'd better not hear any 'neither do you' comments either!" she threatened the group.

"What's so bad about not wearing clothes?" a passing pony wearing a hat and sunglasses said, sounding miffed.

"No need for that," Nanami coldly said, "since you graciously just did it for us..."

"Girls, girls," Erza scoffed. "Enough of this petty cattiness. Lucy!"

"Yes, Ma'm?"

"You'll never be a good model if you haven't mastered the basics of sex appeal!" the redhead told her.

Lucy blinked exaggeratedly, with a hand on her own chest. "Isn't, isn't this enough sex appeal?"

"Not for a worldwide magazine! Only the best will suffice!" Erza barked like a drill sergeant, or Sagara Sousuke, which was basically the same but in a different rank. "Good thing I came along! I'll teach you all you need to know on visual appeal tactics!"

At this point pretty much everyone in the beach stopped whatever they were doing and gathered quickly in a loose circle around them, waiting expectantly, many pulling small cameras and the assorted Mundus Vetus-smuggled smartphones out. Only Gray and Natsu remained in the water, rushing after the elusive sea boar, while Erza smiled proudly, striking her best mightily sexy and sexily mighty pose. Many men in the crowd crossed their legs awkwardly, and Yukino absently chewed on her lower lip, blushing and spacing out...

... only to be returned to reality when Erza quickly picked her, pulled her to herself, and forced her to adopt a sudden butt-and-chest thrusting pose, making the crowd go wild. "Look at this! Through the convenient appliance of sensual positioning, even the plainest looking girl can become a veritable goddess of sensuality! Take notes! And pictures! Today, you'll walk away from this as changed people, ready to find true beauty in anyone...!"

Somewhere in Mundus Vetus, Suzushiro Haruka winced visibly. "Why do I feel like my belongenings have just been threatened...?"

"Maybe because Negi-kun's been charmed to give Natsumi-chan the deepest, most passionate kiss he's able of, genius...?" Kakizaki Misa asked as they ran across the Mahora rooftops together in hot pursuit.

"No, no, I mean, _besides_ that...!"

* * *

"And I call this one The Innocent Temptress!" Erza exposed, forcing Yukino's body into a new, suggestive position under her. "This one's The Prancing Nymph!" she added, turning the moaning girl around and making her to slightly raise a leg back until Yukino's foot touched Yukino's own butt, the other foot daintily touching the ground as if frozen in the act of skipping playfully. "And this one demands for two, but it's a great one, The Delight of the Maidens!"

At this, she wrapped her arms around Yukino's much lighter frame and suggestively leaned towards her, eyes half-closed, expression just as serious as ever. Yukino, blushing now more than ever, muttered a pathetic, "Muh, muh, muh, Ha-Ha-Haru-I-mean, Er-Er-Er-!"

The crowd went wild, several women having enough and dragging their men away as quickly as they could, a few other men excusing themselves away while wobbling on rather strange fashions, often shielding their crotches with their hands. Nanami had her hands firmly clasped around Tsuwabuki's eyes as her mouth hung open, and Hikaru let out a long whistle while cocking her head aside curiously.

Finally, Erza let go off the blissfully sighing Yukino and bowed formally for the masses, who were madly clapping, cheering and wolf-whistling for her. Then she turned back to Lucy. "And that is how you do it. Of course, you need practice to back the theory up, but I'll help you with it as soon as your camera crew arrives. I'll even give you a discount since we are friends..."

Lucy, her face beet red and her eyes obscured by oddly framing bangs of her hair which didn't seem to have been there minutes ago, boiled up with rage before screaming, "Like hell you will!"

Gray and Natsu paused immediately in the middle of their aquatic chase, allowing the sea boar to quickly swim away into the ocean. "Oh shit!" the Dragon Slayer cursed.

"She's just challenged Erza, this... this isn't going to end up well..." Gray swallowed hard.

Lucy whipped a small shiny key from somewhere within her skimpy bikini. "Open! A door to the water bearer, Aquarius!"

Instantly, as the crowd ran for cover, except for the busty blonde in the skimpy bikini from earlier (who had to be kept back by her teammates while shouting she wanted to be punished by both sides), a massive burst of water manifested itself out of thin air, and in the middle of it appeared a gorgeous, shapely mermaid with long blue hair holding a huge golden jar.

"Aquarius!" Lucy commanded, pointing at Erza. "Protect me from her!"

Aquarius looked at Erza.

Erza looked back at Aquarius.

Neither smiled, both frowned. Neither did anything, either.

Aquarius looked at Lucy. "Are you fucking crazy?"

"Noooooo!" Lucy protested. "She, she's acting like a pervert, and she wants to ruin my big photoshoot, and, and she's making Yukino more popular than me!"

"How so?" Aquarius coldly asked.

"By, by fondling her like a madwoman before everyone!" Lucy sputtered. "Seriously, what do you need so many explanations for?! Just start attacking already!"

"I'm not fucking crazy," Aquarius said. "I'm not going to waste my life attacking her just because you're jealous she's fondling that girl instead of you."

"Th-That's not why!" Lucy cried. "Why, why would I want her strong hands roaming all over my soft, feminine body anyway?!"

"Master," another voice said from behind her then, making her skin crawl. "Just leave it to me. Even if you ask me to fight the gods for you, I gladly will do so...!"

Lucy shrieked, spinning around and facing the amorous, huffing, hulking man-bull who had just appeared, staring at him with deeply **JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII** sounding eyes. "What the hell! I, I didn't summon you, Taurus!"

"That's the power of my DEEP DEVOTION for you, Master Lucy...!"

Standing in the shallow waters of the shore, Natsu snorted. "Feh, shoulda known Lucy's team wouldn't be gutsy enough to actually fight Erza... JUST LIKE YOU, GRAY, YOU PANSY! Because of you, the sea boar escaped away!"

"What the fucking hell?!" his frenemy reacted. "I was corralling it from all sides! It only got away because you got distracted and it fled by your side!"

"You screwing liar!" Natsu accused. "You were slow and it ran past you, that's what! And put some clothes on already!"

"Whatcha shouting about, you sissy, we're in a beach!"

"Yeah, but not a nudist beach, you weirdo!" Natsu pointed down, making it clear that Gray had somehow lost his Speedos in the water during the hunt.

"... oh, I see," Gray quietly said, ignoring the stones Mitsuru and Nanami had just tossed onto his head. "But that's your fault too, it wouldn't have happened if you'd just caught the damn boar from the start!"

"Stop fighting, you idiots!" Erza roared at them.

Ignoring her, Natsu unrooted a palm tree and coated it with fire from his hands, swinging it around like a flaming bat. "Since you can't help but showing your ass off, let's see if you like this up it, pervo!"

"How about I freeze your useless nuts off instead, prissy bastard?!" Gray threatened, summoning deadly ice blasts into his hands.

"Okay, I warned you fairly! Now it's time for your punishment!" Erza seethed, already brandishing two swords at once.

"Oh yes, yes, please! Punish me too, will you?! Will you?!" the blonde with the ragtag adventuring team begged, while the young man and the loli still tried to restrain her, the blue haired woman simply goofing around not giving a shit about anything happening anymore.

"Damn you, Darkness!" the young man said. "Do you know who those are?! Like hell they'll stop at you...!"

"Oh, if we must share the pleasure of the agony only Titania can dish out, then so be it...!" the blonde deliriously cooed, struggling even harder to reach the conflict in the making.

"I can't resist anymore, Master...!" the lovestruck bull mooed, chasing Lucy in wide circles around the beach.

"If I'm your Master, then obey me and drop that already, pervert...!" Lucy cried while Aquarius floated aside and laughed at her heart's content of her misery, slapping the part of her tail where her knees would have been.

Shortly after, two small animal-men walked down the beach, heading towards that very same spot. One of them was a short bipedal pig with short black hair and average street clothes, and the other was a red haired turtle boy slowly walking behind him, wearing a green suit with a bowtie.

 _Bitten by a radioactive pig, average spider Peter Porker has gained the proportional strength and agility of a pig! Unknown to Mundus Magicus, he now has a double life as a young freelance photographer and as The Amazing Spider-Ham, protector of the weak, hero or menace! Probably inspired by some guy from Mundus Vetus he once read about._

 _Cub reporter and ace photographer Jimmy Tortolsen is the best pal of the strongest champion for Mundus Magicus' talking animal population, Super Squirrel! Whether his wacky misadventures include turning into Gamera, transforming into a hyper evolved Future Turtle, joining an elite team of ninja, kicking Darkseid's ass or cross-dressing, Mr. Action will always be in the thick of danger! Assuming he gets there in time, naturally._

"Man," the pig sighed, "I just hope the girl hasn't gone already. You should seriously buy yourself a scooter or something already, Jimmy."

"Sorry..." the tortoise apologized very slowly. "But... why... don't... you... either... Peter... I'm... always... in... debt... from... all... those... formulas... and... rays... I... keep... drinking... or... breaking... while..."

"Look, I have a high maintenance sickly and slightly senile aunt to look after, okay?! You think it's easy for us, to find a nursing home where they don't end up turning our elders into bacon?" the pig replied. "And J. Jonah Jackal is such a cheapskate I even have to take side jobs for porn magazines like this, so it's not like I can buy myself a bike or a fancy buggy or...!"

"It's... not... a... porn... publication... It's... a... very... respectable... magazine... with... deep... articles... on... Ah."

They stopped by the smoking ruins of what had been a beautiful beach once. Half of it was covered in ice, the other half was mostly burnt to glass. Amid the carnage a few toppled figures lay here and there, including a duck with a roasted tail, a spiral-eyed frog muttering "In a good way..." to himself, a knocked out boy holding some kind of giant key, an unconscious hulking bull lying on top of a groggy pretty blonde, and a goofily chuckling blonde in a bikini who seemed to caress and fondle all the bruise marks all over her body, licking her lips and rubbing her legs together as she did so. Sitting far away from the devastation, a blue haired young goddess and blue haired mermaid played cards oblivious to everything while constantly accusing each other of cheating, you ugly whore!

"Ehhhhh..." the pig finally said, "Excuse us, but can any of you still alive tell us where to find a lady named Lucy Heartfilia...?"

A curvaceous and imposing redhead in a metal bikini rose triumphant and majestic from the wreckage of the fast food stand. She glanced towards the bull and his Master, noticed the girl's state of dubious awareness, and then firmly said, holding a barely any more conscious girl with glasses up, "Sorry, gentlemen, but looks like she won't be in any shape to do that photo session today. But if you would care for a replacement...? I am her manager!"

Peter and Jimmy looked at each other for a few moments, and then shrugged.

* * *

 _Mahora. Later:_

"Oh, my newest _Weekly Sorceress Illustrated_!" Chamo said, incredibly delighted, as he picked the freshly arrived copy of the magazine up. "Oh joy, happy joy, happy day, oh so happy...!" he giggled disturbingly, spinning around while holding it close.

Chisame snorted from her chair. "Seriously, what's the point on collecting porn magazines when you already have the Internet?"

The ermine paused indignantly. "Chisame-neesan! _Weekly Sorceress Illustrated_ is not porn, it's fine entertainment for gentlemen bringing the latest from Mundus Magicus and the most thought provoking articles on- on-"

He gasped, looking at the cover feature carefully.

 ** _Yukino! The newest sexy bomb taking Mundus Magicus by assault!_**

He swallowed the sudden cold knot in his throat. "Call Haruka-neesama, will you, Chisame-neesan? Or, um, better yet, you know, on second thought, don't- Or, or rather, do it but only a hour or two after I've gone, I'll leave you with some instructions and-"

Chisame frowned, then squeezed him in a hand and picked him up, staring intensely into his eyes before asking him...

* * *

 **The End!**


	3. Chapter 3

_Fairy Tail_ is the creation and property of Mashima Hiro and Kodansha. We are merely taking it out to get it drunk, put it in compromising situations and take pictures so that when it's sober we can blackmail it for sex.

IMPORTANT WARNING: They say, if you read this chapter aloud backwards and without messing any spelling, Satan comes for your soul! So don't do that.

* * *

 **Irredemediably Collateral and Supplemental.**

 **Chapter Three: Happy's Little Job, Part Two**.

 **Proofreading, Edits and Additional Jabs at Poor Widdle FT by Your Friendly Neighborhood Shadow Crystal Mage.**

* * *

The small blue cat knelt on the ground, diligently looking through the woods with a fiercely determined expression on his face, making for a very jarring contrast that wasn't either driven or cute enough, just kinda sloppy and awkward to look at. Still, Hikaru supposed he was trying his best, and that was what mattered after all.

 _My name's Happy, and I'm a proud member of the Fairy Tail Guild! Fish is one of my favorite things in the whole world, but I'm not that fond of 'shrooms! Kinda bad, though, 'cause that day my job was..._

"I had no idea," Hikaru mused as she also looked on her knees over the ground, under the shade of the large trees, "you could hire a Magic Guild even for tasks as menial as this. I mean, isn't this a waste of magical resources? Why not just to pay a few coins to random boys picked off the street?"

"Hmmfff? U were suhyin' sumthin', Heekaruh?" Natsu looked up from where he knelt with an inflated mouth overstuffed with mushrooms, several stalks actually poking out of his mouth. It was then Hikaru, a simple soul herself, realized hiring Happy and Natsu's services pretty much amounted to paying random kids off the streets anyway. And even then it would be an offensive comparison to the hard-working random kids.

Happy wagged a short and stubby finger at the short redhead. "These aren't normal mushrooms, Hikaru! These are Slimming Mushrooms, magically enhanced by Mother Nature and the mysterious and ineffable workings of our Lady the Mage of the Beginning, and only can be recognized by magical experts such as ourselves! They're all the rage nowadays in diets, especially with women."

"Oh, I see. When we find some, I'll make sure of saving a few for Nanami-san, since apparently everybody from Ohtori lives in fear of gaining weight..." Hikaru said, nodding at the feline. She had no great use for diets, since she was fairly active and no matter how much she ate she never seemed to gain any weight. It was one of the perks of being a CLAMP character.

"Yeah, apparently, some guy wants us to collect a big basket of the stuff, then send them to some guys and girls he was supposed to pick up at a Gateport," Natsu explained after swallowing a huge mouthful of mushrooms that had been wider than his throat. It had been like looking at a python swallowing a whole deer on Animal Planet, and Hikaru couldn't help but cringe. Without noticing her discomfort, the boy slapped his belly and added, "Looks like he's too lazy to actually deliver on his promise of greeting 'em there, so he figures sending the stuff as an apology makes up for it. Those guys are the worst..."

* * *

Back at the Guild's headquarters, Lucy frowned at Mirajane. "But he promised he and Happy would help me kill that rampaging winged chimera..."

Mirajane smiled and shrugged. "Sorry, but he said they had to go pick up mushrooms! Here, he left you this bottle of soda as his way of saying sorry!"

"It's half-drunk, and if I wanted soda, I'd just walk to the fridge anyway!"

* * *

"It's not even 'Laughing Bamboo' anyway," Happy said.

"Laughing Bamboo?" Hikaru asked.

Happy nodded. "It's some variety of poisonous mountain mushroom Natsu's always eating..."

"Whuff awe yuh sayin' Huppyh?" Natsu mumbled amid another grotesque mouthful of mushrooms. "Ah'd nevah duh anythin' suh shtupid!"

"Your words and actions don't seem to match!" the cat pointed out.

"Why... Why do they call it 'Laughing Bamboo' if it's a mushroom?" a slightly concerned Hikaru asked.

"'Cause after I eat a few it always starts looking like bamboo, it kinda tastes like bamboo, and eating too many makes me laugh uncontrollably, heh heh heh..." Natsu explained after another huge swallow, grinning from ear to ear like an idiot. Or an even bigger idiot than usual anyway.

"You wouldn't know all of that if you never ate any of the stuff!" Happy accused.

Natsu's face twitched. "D-Don't be ridiculous, winners don't do Laughing Bamboo, and this wasn't Laughing Bamboo, I think it was... ugh... Morning Sprout," he gurgled, taking a hand to his stomach.

"Morning Sprout?" Hikaru echoed, and then yelped as Natsu's body shook, and a large mushroom sprouted from the top of his head. "Eeee!"

"Aye! Morning Sprout alright!" a vindicated Happy said. "See, Hikaru? That's why you can never be too careful about these things! It takes a real expert on magical plants like me to tell apart poison mushrooms from edible ones like this!" he added, holding a mushroom that appeared perfectly identical to those Natsu had just consumed in a paw.

"Nonsense," Natsu grumbled stubbornly. "These poisons weren't mushroomous, my fine is language, I'm healthy perfectly, the mushroom growing out of me is healthy perfectly too, and Princess Celestia, the Lord of Nightmares and the Lifemaker are all me at smiling. How are you so sure anyway that is the right mushroom right?"

"How am I sure?" Happy demanded. "I'll show you how I'm so sure, with a test! Hikaru! Eat this!" he said, extending his piece of mushroom towards the Earthling.

"... thanks, but no thanks, Happy-kun," said Hikaru, who was a simple soul but not THAT simple.

"You too?!" a suddenly stark white Happy gasped, backing away from her. "Okay, fine, I get it! I'll eat it myself, then!" he announced, holding the mushroom over his open mouth.

"Happy-kun, no!" the girl shouted. "What, what if it's actually poisonous after all?!"

"I'm sure it's not!" Happy insisted. "And if we bring the wrong mushrooms we'll soil Fairy Tail's good name, so please make sure to say how I saved our collective honor in my funeral!"

"If you're so sure it's harmless there won't be any funerals, but-!" Hikaru began, but by then Happy had already swallowed the mushroom whole. "Oh, geez, Happy-kun...!"

"What is there to be all 'Oh geez' about?" the cat asked then, back to a normal (for him) tone and with his paws on his hips. "I told you this was Slimming Mushroom, not- Oh, geez," he pouted as a mushroom almost bigger than his own head suddenly sprouted from it.

"Um, well, yeah, I don't know what to-" Hikaru babbled uncomfortably.

Happy ran away bawling. "The joke loses all its power the second time around...!"

"That, that's your biggest problem with it?!" Hikaru called out after him.

Standing by her side and folding his arms, Natsu huffed, now with a dozen of different mushrooms jutting up from his scalp. "What an idiot, eating a Morning Sprout like that..."

Hikaru looked at him and winced. "Maybe we should get you guys a doctor...?"

"WAH!" Happy wailed. "No fair! Natsu gets all the best gags!"

A tiny blue man who was just arriving, wearing nothing but a white cap and pants, came to a sudden halt and gasped in horror. "You bastards! What the smurf have you done to my house?!"

* * *

 **The End!**

* * *

"- we only came to deliver these Slimming Mushrooms-" Natsu weakly explained, standing with Happy before the shattered ruins of the Gateport.

"Well, yeah, all deliveries have been suspended indefinitely, pal," answered the hulking armored guard standing behind the yellow police line. "Looks like some terrorists just blew the whole Gateport system up, starting from here. Funny thing, though, first time ever you Fairy Tailers arrive at a disaster area AFTER the damage's done...!"

Natsu and Happy looked at each other, then the boy blinked. "You know what this means then, right?"

"Aye!" the cat happily exclaimed. "We get the 'shrooms for ourselves!"

"Yaayyyy!" they chorused, quickly unwrapping the large package and starting to dig in like hungry wolves...

"I think I'll have to arrest you for drug possession all the same," the guard commented as he saw the mushrooms quickly springing up from their heads.

* * *

 **To be Continued.**


	4. Chapter 4

_Fairy Tail_ is the creation and property of Mashima Hiro and Kodansha. Because it doesn't have enough money for the things it wants, it hangs around in street corners after dark, whoring itself out to little gradeschool girls and satisfying lolis for money.

 _Mahou Sensei Negima!_ is the creation and property of Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha. It likes to go to street corners after dark and be satisfied for money.

ANOTHER IMPORTANT WARNING: If you don't favorite this story, in three days the spirit of a boy who killed himself over the horrible end of Negima will come out of your toilet, kill you in your sleep and drag your body down the sewers.

* * *

 **Irredemediably Collateral and Supplemental.**

 **Chapter Four: Dial H for Homo!**

 **Edits, Proofreading and Pudding by Shadow Crystal Mage.**

* * *

Two lone figures trudged across the vast wastelands of Mundus Magicus, wrapped in ragged, concealing cloaks and heroically withstanding the wrath of the ferocious winds battering them.

"Hold on, Cocone-chan!" the taller figure shouted over the roar of the wind. "I'll get you alive to Misora yet! Don't lose faith in your Oneechan...!"

"..." the smaller figure said. She said it very eloquently, particularly the part about not being able to lose faith you didn't have in the first place.

Then the taller person gasped, stopping at the sight of a gigantic city in the middle of a valley, right at the end of their torturous mountain road. "Cocone-chan! Behold! We are saved! Civilization, at last!"

"..." the shorter person said, and then, "Saotome-san, that's a city populated by demi-humans, I don't think we'll be welcomed there at all..."

"Oh, we'll just put on some nekomimi and fake tails and fit right in, you'll see!"

"... I don't think it'll be that easy at all..." the other, whispering individual said, but then the other female grabbed her by the hand, forcefully pulled her down along with herself, and Cocone Fatima Rosa couldn't do anything but following her into the heart of a hostile city of non-human races...

* * *

"Huh," Cocone said as she and Saotome Haruna sat in a public library, checking on large stacks of official books and records, big steaming cups of delicious hot cocoa by their sides. "This city is far more welcoming than it used to be..."

The small, gray-furred bunny officer who had found them wandering along the streets, half-starved and, in Haruna's case, delirious (though she was not to know that was a normal state of affairs), shrugged her narrow shoulders. "Well, you know, we've grown a lot more inclusive and accepting of late, ever since a cleanup of the Mayor's office."

"Not to boast, but we had something, just a wee bit, to do with that," smirked the red fox police partner of the bunny, sitting by her side and before the human girls. "Like my famous ancestor who went to the old world to find his fortune and became a famous hero! You know, you kinda look familiar, for some reason. Are you sure we haven't-?"

The bunny laughed lightly. "Don't be silly, Nick, how could we know them at all when they come from so far away? It's not often humans wander into Zootopia at all, the only way we could've ever seen their faces would be in a global alarm... like... the one... from..."

They stared blankly at each other, checked on the contents of their smartphones, and then glared accusingly at the girls.

"Um..." Haruna uneasily said. "We can explain it..."

"Okay," the fox said. "Explain it, then."

"Seriously?" Haruna blinked. "Without arresting us first?"

The fox shrugged. "Look, we've been fugitives ourselves before, we know how these things can be. Besides, and maybe I shouldn't be saying this, but it's not like we don't have a few friends who are sorta playing at the other side of the fence themselves..."

* * *

"And why should we go all the way up there, just to catch two little girls?" groaned Natsu, splayed on one of the couches of the Guild's greeting room, eyes lazily half closed. "You need to catch a train or whaleship to get there, so I'm not interested..."

"Even if they're wanted terrorists, I have to say I'd prefer going after the ringleader," Gray nodded. "Hunting young girls? That's too much like bullying for my liking. For God's sake, they're even younger than Yukino and Nanami..."

"I have something that might convince you to help," the government officer said, and then pulled out a stack of magazines from his briefcase, showing them to Lucy, Natsu, Erza, Happy and Gray. The girls' eyes bugged out, the cat laughed dumbly, and the boys instantly saw red.

 _Forbidden Love in the Magical Guild!_ boldly proclaimed the cover showing a half-naked, highly stylized Natsu and Gray sensually embracing each other...

"NO TERRORIST LITTLE GIRLS WILL ESCAPE JUSTICE!" Gray and Natsu cried.

Lucy stared with a rapidly reddening face. "W-well, art isn't a crime. In f-fact, d-didn't the continent of Remnant fight the rest of the world for the right of artistic free expression? I-I'm sure… "

Silently, the government agent pulled out another stack.

 _More Forbidden Love In The Magical Guild!_ it just as boldly proclaimed the cover showing a naked, stylized Lucy, only strategic strands of hair only technically concealing the censorable bits that weren't quite censored enough, being dominated by a naked, stylized Mirajane on top of a a naked, stylized Erza…

"My, what a stunningly rendered depiction of 'The Congress of The Trinity'," Erza said approvingly.

"Eh, Mirajane keeps hinting at more," Lucy said, not even bothering anymore.

* * *

"Ah, this is the good life, ain't it, Coco-chan?" a smugly smiling Haruna said, chilling at a huge Jacuzzi with Cocone, both submerged up to their chests. Haruna had her glasses and a pimping gold chain as a collar on, but that was it. Around them, muscular polar bears in black Speedos poured them soft drinks in the Roman-styled bath that looked like something out of a degenerate Emperor's fantasy (the naked woman carved all over it was in fact Emperor Nero, who was pretty damned degenerate. She deliberately lets her panties be seen!) "In three months, starting from nothing but Mr. Big's loan, we've built a whole empire spanning the world! We have enlightened millions! We're queens of the world, baby...!"

"I still miss Misora," Cocone very quietly said.

Then the bath's rooms exploded from the outside, and several polar bear guards were thrown in, brutally pummeled and hurt. Haruna rose from the water in all her naked glory, gasping as she saw an also naked black haired hunk bursting in. At first she thought it was some sort of room service Mr. Big-sama had hired for her, and was seriously thinking of inviting him to join in and then pray for Rito's forgiveness, but just as soon, she recognized him, and the other boy she had used in her one of her many FT doujin also broke in, with flaming fists and a look of supreme anger.

 _ **"YOUUUUU BIIIIIIITCH!"**_ Natsu Dragneel roared in a paroxism of fury.

The tiny shrew in a fine black suit staggered in between the boys' feet, desperately gesturing at Haruna and Cocone. "Flee, _ragazzas_! Save yourselves! I, I'm sorry, I really am...!"

"Saotome Haruna!" Gray shouted. "You're under arrest in the name of the Allied Governments of Mundus Magicus and the Comics Code Authority on charges of global sabotage, mass terrorism, sexual exploitation, public corruption of our fair countries... but mostly, of slander and malicious lies! You cow, how could you ever say I'd be gay for this MORON!"

"Damn! You'll never get me alive!" Haruna swore, grabbing Cocone by a hand and jumping out the nearest window with her. "Ha ha ha ha ha! I'll be back, suckers! Hasta la vista!"

"Curses!" Gray seethed, running to the window and seeing the duo had landed on a whaleship waiting below, which was quickly ascending and taking them out of range while Haruna cackled madly, still naked. "They're escaping!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Natsu shook a fist at the sky. "Fuck fujoshis, man! Fuck fujoshis to death...!"

"Girls? Girls!" Lucy shouted, running to the window as well. "Why are they running, Erza?"

A somber Erza, still holding several Yaoi and yuri magazines in each hand, spoke sternly. "Because we have to chase them."

"They didn't do anything wrong!" sobbed Lucy, hugging her own Yaoi magazines, and even a few (GASP!) Het with Yaoi overtones and subtext.

"They are the heroines Mundus Magicus deserves, but not the ones it needs right now. So, we'll hunt them, because they can take it. Because they're not our heroines."

"NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!" Natsu and Gray yelled.

"They are silent benefactors," Erza stoically told Lucy, her eyes fixed on the sky over the darkened city. "Watchful providers. Shounen Ai Knights."

"WHAT THE FUCK, ERZA, WHAT ARE YOU ON?!" Natsu and Gray protested.

"Um, _bambino_ , can you put some pants on now?" Mr. Big asked Gray. "I have a young daughter at this house, you know..."

* * *

 **The End!**

* * *

"Wait a minute," Elfman grumbled, looking up from his Yuri doujin, "this wasn't even a Fairy Tail omake, it was a Negima omake! Why to waste time with this when they already have their own fanfic and we haven't even shown up yet?"

Cana kicked him in a shin while deeply lost in reading her own Yaoi doujin. "Shut up, nobody asked for your opinion."

* * *

 **To be Continued.**


	5. Chapter 5

Mashima Hiro and Kodansha created and own _Fairy Tail_.

They also made the first endcard for the _UQ Holder_ anime. This has got nothing to do with the content of this story, though.

* * *

 **Irremediably Collateral and Supplemental**.

 **Chapter Five: Puke-in-Boots**.

* * *

Proofreading and editing by Shadow Crystal Mage.

Based on the original omake by Mashima Hiro.

* * *

Once upon a time, in a far, faraway land, lived an old man with his three adopted idiot sons. They made a live by grinding noodles. No, that's not a joke. Noodles are a floor-based product, produced by rolling dough into long thrads then boiling them to get them to stay the same shape.

We apologize to any idiots who might have learned anything and thereby compromised your idiocy.

Probably because he worked too hard, or probably because he'd spent his body fighting in an unholy war between magi ten years over a trolling cursed cup while supporting King Arthur with his body's prana, this old father died at a young age. Yes, we know. Don't ask.

"Here, here too?!" the man choked in his humble death bed. "Can't... Can't this hack ever write a Prisma Illya-chan scenario for me like SCM does...?!"

(Editor's Sidenote: Sorry Kiri, but he doesn't like that series as much as I do.)

After he died, the three adopted sons he left behind needed to split his heritage among them.

"But I'm not dead yet...!" the old man protested.

"Yes, you are," the evil priest giving him evil last rites said.

"I'm not!" the old man said.

"You will be soon. You're very ill," the priest said.

"I'm feeling better!"

"You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes," the priest said.

"I feel fine! I think I'll go for a walk!"

The evil priest looked around, then hit him on the head. There was a 'BONK' sound.

Thank you very much.

Anyway, while the priest began to sodomize the definitely dead body, the three adopted sons he left behind needed to split his heritage among them.

"I've decided it, I'm going to turn this noodle grinding workshop in a world saving clubhouse for heroes!" the oldest and least idiotic idiot son sighed grandly. "Then we'll save the world together from larger than life threats, while occasionally indulging in random wacky event shenanigans and ritualistic sex! That's the heroic dream Father left for me!"

"That's okay with me, I'm just going to grab this money and run away!" grinned the second idiot son, pulling a large bag stuffed with money over his shoulder, and slamming a straw hat down on his head. "I'm gonna be the King of the Pirates!"

"Ah!" gasped the youngest and most idiotic idiot son. "But, but that's my money, too!"

"I'm gonna be the King of the Pirates! I've gotta start big-time, stealing from even those closest to me!" argued his brother, chuckling and then running away for the distant coast.

So young Natsu was left with nothing but a few copper coins and the family's blue cat.

"Aye!" the cat said. "I'm Happy!"

"I'm not!" whined his master, throwing himself on the grass of the woodlands, where they'd been forced to live after the eldest brother's Artorias had kicked him out. "I've got no money and no home! I'm in Despair! Being abandoned and tricked by my own family has left me in Despair!"

Disapprovingly, a tall and thin man with glasses and a hakama walked into the clearing, shook his head at Natsu, angrily swiped a few of the copper coins off his hand, and walked away muttering something about royalties and disrespect.

The cat sighed. "It's all right, Master. Even though I'm a cat, I'm very resourceful! Leave everything to me!"

"Huh?" Natsu idiotically babbled.

"Just give me a pair of boots and a sack and I'll turn your luck around!" the cat promised. "What do you have to lose anyway?"

Seeing some sense in this, Natsu used the last of his money to buy Happy what he wanted, and so the little cat put on the boots, went deeper into the woods, and used the sack to set a trap for a freakish, strange and exotic animal.

"Pika Pika pika pi! Pikachu!"

Happy grabbed a thick branch, bashed the animal that had just zapped him down over the head, killed it, and stuffed it into the sack. Then he brought the dead animal in the sack to the city.

"Halt!" cried the guards at the gate. "Cats aren't allowed into this city! You are the devil's handmaidens, the witches' pets! Turn around and leave or else!"

"That's right! We don't like cats around here!"

"But I'm not a cat!" Happy said, raising a little booted foot. "I can't be a cat... because cats don't wear boots!"

Seeing the undeniable logic in this, the guards let the cat in, and he headed straight for King Makarov's castle. There, he introduced himself to the old King and his daughter, lovely Princess Lucy, kneeling before them. "O, Your Majesties! My Lord, the Marquis of Whatahack, sent this gift from his hunting grounds for you!"

"Pika-!" the strange creature just offered to the royals twitched back to life for a moment before Happy bashed its skull a second time with a loud 'BONK', now for good.

"Oh!" Princess Lucy brought her hands together, fascinated. "That's great, I'd never seen that P***mon before! Your Lord must be a man with a lot of offer, Dashing Mysterious Stranger with Boots!"

"Aye!" the cat said. From then, every day, he'd catch wild animals and bring them to the King and his daughter, as gifts from his master.

A highly fetishized meido waitress catgirl!

A talking magical unicorn pony!

An un-ironic Twilight fan!

And as time passed, the Princess grew eager to personally meet this great man, the Marquis who would constantly shower her with such exotic sights and gifts. "Ahhhh! I wonder what kind of noble, generous young man is he! Please take me with him, Dashing Mysterious Friend!"

"Aye!-!" Happy said, as the crystallization of his goals finally came close. In a golden chariot pulled on by a highly fetishized meido waitress catgirl, a talking magical unicorn pony, and an un-ironic Twilight fan, they traveled into the woods, heading towards the domains of the Marquis of Whatahack.

'If they were to get married, Master will have lots and lots of respect and money!' the cat happily thought...

"Your Highness," he introduced Natsu to her. "This is my Lord and Master! The Marquis of Whatahack, your loyal suitor!"

"..." Princess Lucy said.

For in that time, left alone in the woods with no money and no big meaty animals to eat and hunt since Happy had taken them all away, Natsu had grown into a hairy, bearded, animalistic barbarian hopping back and forth along the clearing, howling and scratching himself like an ape.

"AROOO! AROOOO!" he idiotically shouted. "I'M HUNGRY! I'M HUNGRY! MEEEEAAAT! MEEEAAAATT!"

The Princess blinked in mute, pale horror, then tossed her hands up and began walking away. "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

"... aye," Happy couldn't help but agreeing.

And then she married a young, adorable prince from Mundus Vetus on the run from a band of world destroying terrorists and a harem of crazed hormonal Japanese schoolgirls, and they lived happily ever after!

* * *

 **The End**.

* * *

 **Moral:** Tampering with the forces of the unknown and toying with books crafted by Satan, Prince of Lies, can only lead to your death, and the damnation of your everlasting soul... no, wait, this was the moral of Bible Black. Or possibly Frozen, before the rewrites. Sorry, maybe there'll be an actual moral next time. No promises, though.


	6. Chapter 6

Mashima Hiro and Kodansha created and own _Fairy Tail_.

* * *

 **Irremediably Collateral and Supplemental**.

 **Mira-Sensei's Transforming Magic Session!**

* * *

"Okay," Mirajane said cheerfully, putting on her best beautiful smile as she addressed the three girls sitting before her. "You've been here with us for four months now, and while it's nice Miss Yukino could finally get her wind magic to work too, you're still going too slowly in your progresses with magic, I'm afraid. So Erza thought maybe I could give you some tips on the subject of transformation."

"Transformation into what?" Nanami frowned, never one to trust saintly, gorgeous smiles like that one. She was from Ohtori, after all. The smile is a lie!

"Oh, into so many different things, so many different kinds of people!" the silver haired woman laughed lightly, while Hikaru grew more excited by the second and Yukino put a hand to her mouth in apprehension. "It might be relatively useless in direct confrontations, since turning into Natsu won't give you his strength, but it's still a valuable tool under the right conditions!"

"Turning into Natsu won't give us Natsu's idiocy, in a bad way, will it?" asked Motsu, sitting on Hikaru's head while Shichimi softly snored on the redhead's lap.

Mirajane looked at the small fat frog. "No, although in your case it would still be an improvement." There weren't many that could be said about, and their ranks in Mundus Magicus could probably be counted with the fingers of both hands with a few left to spare, but Motsu definitely qualified, so much even Mira had relatively little patience for him. Then she retook character and smiled at the Magic Knights again. "Come on, it'll be fun and safe, I promise!"

"W-Well," Yukino gulped, "I believe that might prove being an useful skill, let's say, for easily escaping unwanted attractions from dangerous people..."

* * *

 _One week ago:_

Yukino extended an arm forward, drew the deepest breath of her life, and remembered the advice of Guru Clef, so long ago, seemingly a lifetime behind. If she was to ever make this work, it was now or never. The water mage had hurt Gray-san badly because he'd refused to cut loose, not wanting to get Yukino hurt in the crossfire... or crosswater, whatever the term was in this case... so Yukino knew she owed him this much, and more. Also, she was sick and tired of being so weak, something Haruka-chan would no doubt have chided her over. And the last thing Yukino ever wanted to do was to disappoint Haruka.

So she put the whole of her willpower into it, closing her eyes tightly and letting her soul take over her impulses, her drive. She wished for it to work like she'd hardly ever wished before. She knew it had, indeed, worked, when the name came to her mind on its own, and she felt the surge of power running through and bursting out of her arm, shooting straight ahead while she held the fabled shield in her other hand.

 _"Emerald Typhoon!-!"_

She didn't really feel the need to scream the attack's name, but apparently everybody in the Guilds liked doing that, and she guessed it was what Haruka would have done it as well, so she shouted it despite the fact it distracted Juvia's attraction back to her immediately. On the plus side, however, it had made her stopping from beating on Gray while panting suggestively and making all sorts of suggestive creepy remarks. And anyway, it wasn't like she had any time to do anything before the full force of the wind blast hit her squarely.

* * *

Now, Yukino flinched again at the memory, and silently regretted what those actions had brought forth. "I've decided I want to focus more on non-violent spells, since those seem to bring the worst out of people! Please teach us, Mirajane-sensei!"

"Yeah, that's right!" Hikaru shook a fist in a circle over her head while Nanami only grumbled bitterly. "I want to learn all that already!"

Mira clapped lightly. "That's the spirit, what a class of spirited girls you are! Well, transformation magic is a deep and complex art, but being chosen ones of Princess Emeraude, I'd say you must have the extra potential to master it quickly. At least on a basic level."

"You mean they got plot coupons, in a good way," Motsu said, scratching himself on the tummy. "Big deal, anyone can get crap done fast that way. Much like Master Nagi, man of a thousand spells, he also charmed all women much like Yukino does..."

Yukino blushed very deeply and then shoved him off Hikaru's head. "M-M-Motsu-san, please! Y-You're making it sound like I did intentionally, or something!"

* * *

Juvia tried struggling back to her wobbly legs, running the back of her hand over her bleeding nose. Yukino was rather impressed, not only had she taken the impact of her Emerald Typhoon and survived it, but then she'd remained conscious when Gray had punched her at the same time Yukino bashed her with Captain America's shield. So, what they said about Yandere-type women was right? A scary thought if ever there was one...

"Why, why..." Juvia growled, too weakened to keep on fighting but refusing to stay down. "Why, you could only win by attacking me at once, that was not-"

"I don't care if it was or not!" Gray barked. "Sorry, but it doesn't matter if you're a woman or even a child. I don't go easy on anybody who hurts my comrades, and now I see Yukino doesn't either! That is the way of Fairy Tail!"

Yukino blinked several times in fast succession. "N-No-Now, wait a second please, Gray-sempai! I didn't like doing that, I don't like ganging up on people at all, I'm only doing this, to protect you and save Erza-san...!"

"Yeah, that's just what I said!" the young man nodded firmly.

"But you're adding stuff about hurting children and all of that...!" Yukino loudly complained. "Please don't make me sound like a psycho or a Honnouji student...!"

Juvia looked back and forth between them, surprised, blinking slowly. "What... What kind of people are you...?"

Then she took a shaky hand to her mouth and lightly nibbled on the pale knuckles, eyebrows twitching violent and erratically. Yukino, who had worked in the management of emotional youngsters as Haruka's assistant, specifically dealing with complaints about 3-F, immediately recognized the signs and shuddered in renewed fear. "I, I, I, I see...!" Juvia stuttered, dropping to her butt on the cracked pavement. "So, this beautiful power of yours stems from the link between you...!"

"Um, we're just friends," Gray huffed. "Don't start thinking anything wrong now, I told you she's a lesbian..."

"Sh-She is?" Juvia nervously gulped, fingers twiddling together in a mad staccato as her gaze bounced from him to her, and back and forth, further terrifying Yukino more than she'd been while the fight lasted. "Th-Then, she wouldn't object to the love of another maiden, should the case ever arise...?"

"That's what being a lesbian means, right?" an annoyed Gray grunted, wondering if this girl had suffered brain damage after being dual bashed on the head, or if she was as dumb as Natsu to begin with.

"A-A-And you, wouldn't object to the love of a woman, mister...?"

"Hey! Just 'cause I hang around with a lesbian, doesn't mean I'm gay myself! Although, it depends on the woman; look, right now I don't have the time or the inclination to waste my-"

Juvia sniffed melodramatically and shouted, rising her gaze to the skies, "You have both subdued my body! Then this, too, is a divine sign, it takes two close souls to capture Juvia's heart as well! The ultimate in manliness, and the ultimate in feminity! Ahhhhh!"

"What?" Gray blinked cluelessly.

"No!" Yukino shrieked. "Please, please, I beg you, don't even say it, no! Juvia-san!-!"

"MISTER GRAY! MISS YUKINO! I SHALL HAVE YOU BOTH...!"

* * *

"She's daydreaming about finally getting herself a harem again," Motsu noted, poking at the frozen, cringing Yukino with a random twig. "Definitely, she is."

Nanami snorted in disgust. "What a filthy woman, being tempted by that vile temptress' words, just like that. Well, she's from Mahora, what else could be expected?" She turned her attentions back to Mirajane, huffing haughtily. "Ignore her and let's concentrate on my training, Sensei. After all, I'm the one most in need of it right now! My potential is so great it takes the longest to wake up!"

"Or maybe it's the other way-" Motsu began before Nanami's foot descended on him, smashing him down while she didn't even deign him with a look. "ANIMAL ABUSE! IN A BAD WAY!"

"Okay," Mira sighed. "Well, if even ninjas from hillbilly mountain hills can master the secrets of transformation, so can you! Look, this a Level One change, where I turn into someone close to my own build and size, not to mention my own gender!" she said, quickly changing into Erza with a small puff of white smoke. "As you can see, with a magic burst of this elementary level, my dress hasn't changed..."

"It's awesome all the same!" Hikaru cheered, with large stars in her eyes, and even Nanami blinked in mild shock. "How many more can you do?"

"Oh, this is one of my specialties, so I could be doing it for a very long while!" Mira laughed, now manifesting Erza's standard armor on herself. "See? Once you have achieved an intermediate level, you can change the clothes as well!"

"Interesting!" Nanami admitted, rubbing her chin and thinking of the possibilities. Surely her dear brother would be highly impressed with her if she mastered this strange magical ability, and would shower her with all manners of praise...

"Natsu! Gray!" Mirajane said, assuming one of Erza's patented icy death glares and expressions. "You'd better not have been fighting again while I was away!"

"Just like the real thing!" Hikaru gushed.

"You'd have been an impressive actress," Nanami pondered. "You wouldn't even need any makeup! How do theater troupes work in this world, anyway?"

"Getting into the character of the person is a big part of transformation magic!" Mira lectured. "Especially since your enemies are aware this type of magic exists, any efficient Guild will keep a constant eye out for anyone acting slightly out of character. Why, there was this time we spotted a Natsu impostor because he wasn't being dumb enough... Then again, I can't blame that man for failing, that's too difficult a task to achieve..."

Nanami, Hikaru and Motsu all nodded while Yukino remained scarily motionless.

"Now, as for the next level," Mirajane forced a grin, mashing her knuckles together while breathing very deeply. "That demands for a lot more concentration and effort. It takes years of practice, but once you achieve it... well, just see it yourselves!"

In a puff of bigger smoke, she quickly changed into a red fox, prompting loud gasps of astonishment from Hikaru and Nanami. Yukino only cocked her head aside veeeeeeeeery slowly. "At this level, you can change the size and shape of your body completely! Once you're gone this far, you also can copy a few abilities of the body you're mimicking..." And she changed into a small green parrot flapping her wings above the hall's table, suspended in the air. "Like this! It demands a lot more magical energy from you, however, so it will drain you quickly, but it can be very useful in combat!"

"Clayface! You're a Clayface!" Nanami pointed and gasped.

Mira-Parrot blinked. "A what?"

"Um, I think that's some sort of mud-man from America," Hikaru answered before looking at Nanami. "Isn't that just an urban legend, though? Like the 1994 Fantastic Four movie?"

"No, definitely not!" Kiryuu argued. "He's been all over the foreign newspapers for years now, Shidou-san, for Kami-sama's sake! Don't you keep yourself updated about the affairs of the world?"

"What do I gain from knowing there's actually a man made of shape changing mud all the way over in America or that there are actually four bad Fantastic Four movies instead of three?" Hikaru blinked. "How does that affect my life at all? How does it enhance my experiences and give new meaning to my day to day living? Why the heck should I care?"

"Anyway," Mira said as she changed back to human, "that's still in the far future from where you stand now, and I'm assuming you won't want to keep learning the subject after you return to your world, so let's focus on simply mastering the basics for now, shall we?"

Hikaru nodded, looking at Mirajane as she put her clothes back on. "Um," the small redhead said. "So, if I change like that, my clothes won't change with me..."

Mirajane shook her head. "Of course not, why would they? The magic's applied to your body! If we could shapeshift clothes into scales or feathers too, then we also could do things like transmuting mud into gold, and the economy would collapse! We can change one kind of clothes into another, true, but there are limits to this type of magic. We're not like those crazy magi and their nutso talk about concepts and stuf."

Nanami rubbed a hand in circles on her forehead. "The rules of magic seem rather arbitrary," she observed.

Mirajane shrugged. "Maybe. They were written by several different authors over the centuries, after all, and most researchers and developers, not to mention the gods and spirits of magic themselves, wouldn't see eye-on-eye with each other. But enough of that! Nanami, try transforming into Hikaru, and you, Hikaru, try transforming into Nanami! Yukino, um, are you feeling alright...?"

"Nooooooooo," Yukino let out a spaced out, slightly pained moan.

Mirajane sighed. "Please get over it, it's just someone having a crush on you, I'm sure she'll forget about it soon! It happens like five times an hour to me. You learn to deal with it. Well girls, start by looking intensely at each other and putting your mind into your features! Copy them carefully in the eye of your mind! And then wish for the change with all of your spiritual force!"

"This is ridiculous," Nanami tried to look away while Hikaru obediently stared at her with a high pitched **JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII** , "How is that supposed to work at all?! Especially for me!? I haven't even manifested yet! Also, Shidou-san, stop that already, it's creepy! You're reminding me of Juvia-san!"

Yukino gave a few helpless whimpers.

"Generally, the better you know someone, the easier it is to change into them," Mirajabe instructed. "Come on, Miss Nanami, you should be very good, close friends by now! Haven't you saved each others' lives several times by this point? Just confront your feelings and let your camaraderie with Hikaru show up!"

Nanami blinked. "You mean it's a matter of compatibility and affection?"

"Partially, although you also can use other strong emotions, like hatred or lust," Mirajane explained. "As long as it links you deeply to that person, it should work as a connection to their self while you develop your skills of copying properly. Now, imagine your own face and body as those of the other person, and concentrate. Then you build up your magical power into that image you have imagined, and release!"

Hikaru nodded very quickly, made several frantic motions with her arms as if playing the lead in a Super Sentai show, and shouted, "I'm ready! HENSHIN!-!"

... NOTHING HAPPENED.

Hikaru blanched out, jaw dropping, and falling into the same comatose state Yukino still remained in.

Mirajane laughed nervously. "Hey, now, don't give up that easily! It's a bit difficult at first, but that's no reason to give up right off the bat! Natsu couldn't get it right either, but he tried and tried and tried until he did it...! Well, more or less. His Lucy's still not perfect, but it's enough to keep him busy in the bathroom for hours at a time! Or so I've heard," she piously added.

"Well, yeah," Motsu said, "not everybody have the stupid stubborn drive of a Shounen Action Hero, Ma'am. In a good or bad way."

"So it works on The Power of Hate too, ufufu..." Nanami chuckled to herself in a twisted, sinister way, imagining herself ruining Himemiya Anthy's reputation while in disguise as her, doing unforgivable, hideous things like sticking Anthy's tongue out at teachers, drawing graffitti on the walls, and egging the art workshop of Saotome Otome. Being Nanami, the idea of doing actual awful stuff with Anthy's body, like sleeping around, never crossed her mind, but it wouldn't have worked anyway, Anthy DID sleep around a lot already. And it was Ohtori after all.

Nanami sprang to her feet with a devilish gleam in her eyes. "I think I have achieved it!" she boasted. "Yes, I can feel it! I have it perfectly drawn in my mind, the image of that cow... Himemiya Anthy!-!-!"

There was a huge poof of smoke, and then Nanami stood there, transformed... into a large yellow cow, with Nanami's golden locks, huge udders, and a large bell hanging from her neck.

"..." Hikaru, Motsu and Yukino all said, stunned out of their minds.

"Moo," Nanami said.

"Ah, it's a Sebastian Dior!" Mirajane beamed, grabbing Nanami's fine cowbell and appreciating it cheerfully. "My congratulations, Miss Nanami, you've just achieved something that shouldn't even be possible!"

"MOOOOOOOO!" Nanami protested.

"I don't know why you're so mad," Motsu said, "it's a real step up in your evolutionary ladder. In a very good way!" he praised before having a hoof brutally slammed down on him. "ANIMAL ABUSE AGAIIIIIIIIN!"

"Don't be silly, it's not animal abuse if it's between two animals," Mirajane gently told him. "Now let's try to turn you back quick, it's almost lunchtime now and Natsu really likes meat..."

"MOOOOOOO!"

"Yoo...!" came Natsu's voice from down the next hall. "What's that I'm hearing now, a cow...?!"

* * *

 _Director Ikuhara Kunihiko: We included this scene to annoy Nanami fans. Next time, if you're good, we'll have her laying an egg as well_.

* * *

 **End**.

* * *

 **Next Time, in** **Irremediably Collateral and Supplemental:** At last! The long awaited debut of fan-favorite Wendy Marvell! **  
**


	7. Chapter 7

Mashima Hiro and Kodansha created and own _Fairy Tail_.

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

Warning, not that anyone would care, I think: This segment contains teasing spoiler plot points for the future Mundus Magicus arc of the _Unequally Rational and Emotional_ saga.

* * *

 **Irremediably Collateral and Supplemental**.

* * *

 **The Boiling Point.**

* * *

As bad as things looked at the time, and there was no denying that they looked fucking plenty bad, Hasegawa Chisame supposed there were a few upsides to her turns of fortune since she and Suzushiro Haruka had been dropped together in Mundus Magicus. First of all, they had found Kikukawa Yukino very quickly, which meant the Vice Prez had quickly stopped whining about missing her poor widdle hapless secretary. Additionally, Yukino had been staying with a guild of mages and convinced them not to deliver Haruka and Chisame to the law. Fortunately, while greedy as hell, the mages were also idiots, so they'd agreed on hiding the Mahora schoolgirls as they apparently had grown very fond of Kikukawa, for some reason Chisame couldn't fathom, over the last few months.

And best of all, they had hot baths almost as big as good as Mahora's. Almost. Currently, Chisame was soaking in the same large pool as the First Grandmaster of the Guild, a petite, angelic blonde with an ahoge and two tiny white wings on her hair, Mavis Vermillion. Chisame was still a bit weirded out around her, since Mavis was technically a ghost, but this was her house in every sense of the word, and Chisame prided herself in respecting her hosts no matter what, or how taxing it could get. Besides, Mavis had the sweet temper to match her looks, and getting angry at her was as impossible as growing furious at Yotsuba. It was like meeting the Anti-Evangeline! She was always terribly cute while doing things like stretching her arms up in the nude, sighing, "Ahhhh! Hot baths are just the best…!"

"Wow, Grandmaster," said Guild member Lucy Heartfilia from where she sat soaping herself before rinsing off. "So you actually can soak in the hot water? I didn't think that was possible…"

Mavis lost her wide smile, large adorable blue eyes blinking markedly.

"That's right…" commented Wendy Marvell, sitting by Lucy's side and scrubbing the back of her cat partner Carla. "Grandmaster is a spirit, so for her to have direct contact with tangible liquid, that's unusual… Ah! Miss Chisame, Miss Haruka once said you knew some ghosts, don't you?"

Chisame rasped uneasily. "W-Well, the ghosts I know can't even be seen or touch anything unless they're inhabiting a doll body, but what do I know about Mundus Magicus ghosts?"

Mavis lowered her head, biting her lower lip. "Mmm…"

Erza Scarlett walked closer to the water in all her naked Amazonian splendor, full of vigor and raw power, making Chisame flinch. The red-haired woman (and a natural redhead, that much was evident now) had too strong and potent an aura, unlike that of any other woman Chisame had ever met before, Evangeline included. It was a dominating, overwhelming presence Chisame didn't feel comfortable around. It made her weak in the knees and tied her stomach into knots, much like seeing Negi in his adult form.

In the next pool, Cana leaned loser to Mirajane and whispered, _"She doesn't even realize she's got the hots for Erza that badly, does she?"_

Mira shrugged with a gentle smile. _"Let's not rush things over. It'll be much more amusing after we find the boy…"_

"What's so strange about that?" Erza was smiling in that strong casual way of hers, a hand perched on a toned, bare hip as Chisame looked aside and sweated. W-What an unbearable woman to have around! "Even the dead should be able to enjoy a good bath!"

"That's just like Miss Erza's brand of common sense," Wendy murmured.

"Just ignore her…" Carla advised.

Mavis sank herself down into the water to her nose, much like Akira would often do while depressed. "I'm sorry… Actually, I like the environment, and the friendly atmosphere… but, as a matter of fact, I can't feel anything as I soak…"

"SAY WHAAA-AAAT?!" Erza gasped, her sensual eyes briefly turning comically round and large.

"As expected…!" Cana, Levy and Kiryuu Nanami sing-sang all at once.

Erza took a hand to her mouth, sniffing dramatically. "Oh…! Oh, no…! That's… That's so tragic! I had no idea!"

Mavis rose back, smiling at her. "Oh my, sorry, Miss Erza. That's okay, I still enjoy your company, that's the most important thing…"

"No, don't say that!" Erza said. "You aren't getting the full experience! You should… You should feel the warm water soothing you to your very essence…"

Then, abruptly, she grabbed Chisame's right foot and pulled up on it, making the girl shriek. Chisame's leg now exposed, Erza began rubbing it up and down vigorously, washing it over with a fiercely driven look in her eyes. "The delight of cleansing all impurities from yourself, like this…!"

"E-E-Erza-san, not that way…!" Chisame squealed, growing incredibly red.

"Not to mention," Erza added, moving in a flash behind Chisame and squeezing her breasts in her hands, "every now and then, a bit of friendly and healthy Skinship Grope between galpals!"

"…!-!" Chisame gasped, feeling her soul floating out of her body for a moment.

Mavis lowered her head again, shivering. "Uuuu… n-no, really, I'm alright like this…"

Erza fell to her hands and knees on the stone floor, almost sobbing the most feminine Manly Tears ever. "How can you say that…! Missing on the true experience of a hot bath, poor thing…!"

"I said it's, it's nothing!" Mavis struggled not to bawl. "I don't really mind…!"

"Great, now you've made the Master cry," Lucy told Erza.

"Who, me?!" the redhead gasped.

"And you made Miss Chisame all hot and bothered too!" Carla further accused.

"I am not!" Chisame cried, folding her arms before her chest to hide the hardness of her nipples.

"No, really, don't fret over that triviality," Mavis managed a sad little smile. "In truth, I can feel a little bit of the heat, it's not much, but…"

"You can?!" Erza grinned. "Then, that gives me an idea!"

"Oh-oh," Nanami gulped, beginning to towel herself dry quickly.

Erza stepped right before Mavis, turning her back on Chisame and giving the Earth girl such a direct, blatant view of her bare naked ass the schoolgirl outright cried. "We'll make Natsu use his fire to super-heat the water!" By this point Nanami was already running out of the bath, wrapped in a pink towel. "So you'll be able to enjoy your bath the way the gods intended!"

"Ooohhh!" Mavis cooed.

"Wait, no, what are you-!" Lucy protested.

"NATSU!" Erza called out.

"I-Idiot, don't call him right now!" Chisame yelled.

But a moment later, the confident, leanly muscular Natsu Dragnell strode calmly from the men's side into the female area, as naked as the day he'd been born and without even looking at the shrieking, fleeing forms of Evergreen, Lisanna, Levy and the Marvell duo passing him by. Chisame just choked in her saliva, eyes bugging out as Lucy screamed her feelings out for her. "DON'T JUST WALK IN LIKE THAT, MORON!"

"What's up, Erza?" the pink-haired Dragon Slayer asked as if nothing was happening at all.

Undeterred, unfazed, uncaring, not bothering to cover herself at all, Erza and Natsu walked to meet each other. The Titania leaned over to her childhood friend and whispered something into his ear. He lifted an eyebrow, but that was his whole reaction. "I see… So that's it?" he murmured, the rest of his non-expression unchanged. "No prob, can do!"

He walked over to the edge of the pool even as Chisame fled it quickly, running to hide behind a rock pillar with Cana and Mirajane, despite the fact both were smiling too much for Chisame's comfort. "So… basically, I'm going to duel the First Master? All right then."

Mavis remained where she sat, closing her eyes. "Please be gentle."

"Wha-What are they thinking?!" Lucy blushed, tying a towel around herself and rushing towards Chisame and the others. "What kind of upbringing did they have…"

"Um… Lucy?" Cana pointed out. "Don't look back so much and look where you are—"

"Kyaaaaa!" Lucy cried, her foot hitting on a bar of soap dropped, probably by Lisanna, and then sending her slipping backwards…

… and stumbling into Erza just as Natsu balled his fists up, wrapping them in fire…

… so busy channeling his magic he didn't even notice the two busty women dropping together into the pool…

… Chisame tried to scream a warning, only to feel a hand on her ass…

… just as Natsu shouted "HERE I GO!" at the top of his lungs…

… still ignoring Erza's cry of "Wait, you imbecile!" and Lucy's "Nooooo!"…

… bursting into flames razing all around him while he howled "FIRE DRAGON'S COOKING BATH!"…

And then, as Natsu slammed his fists into the water, the whole bath exploded into a huge maelstrom of fiery vapor, suffocating smoke…

"Oohhh, nice…!" Mavis cooed, her eyes very open, and her hands still on her knees but slowly drifting to go meet in the middle.

"Uh…!" Erza growled, rising defiantly among the smoke, her neck muscles tensing up, her whole athletic body straining in a way that stirred powerfully within Chisame's heart.

"IT BURNS, IT BURNS, IT BURNS, IT BURNSSSS USSS PRECIOUSSSSS!" Lucy wailed, hysterically kicking around. "I'LL DIE…!"

"HOOOOHHH!-!-!" was Natsu's mighty yell of release.

The water bubbled.

A subtle smile crept up Mavis' lightly blushing face. "Ahh…" she moaned. "That feels… so nice…"

"Ugh…! Hunh…!" Erza groaned in a way that only further confused and troubled Chisame.

"Ha—Help me…!" a mostly cooked Lucy whimpered.

Mavis slowly licked her lips all over. " _Warm…"_

The water kept on boiling.

Finally, Chisame slapped Cana, hard. "Enough of that, already!"

Cana's hand pulled back, the woman smiling widely. "This was all so hot…"

"Aaaahhh…!" Mavis sighed, deeply pleased. "I feel incredible! Finally, truly feeling like taking a bath after so long…!"

Natsu grinned cockily, doubled ahead, his hands on his knees. "As expected from the First Master, huh! You were a really tough opponent even if you didn't fight back, Ma'am!" he panted. "Damn, why do I feel like taking a cold shower now?"

Erza looked down between his legs. "I'm sure it wouldn't hurt."

"You nearly drained me this time," Natsu happily told Mavis, "but we definitely gotta do it again! I swear next time will be even better!"

Mavis beamed. "Looking forward to it, Mr. Natsu!"

"… a verrrry cold shower," Erza said, taking another look. "Ahem, anyway, congratulations, Guildmaster. I knew this would end up working!"

"Yes! Thank you very much, everyone!" Mavis giggled.

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Natsu laughed, fists on his hips. "Ghosts sure are hella strong!"

"Yeah… well… " a deeply tanned Lucy gurgled, wobbling on her feet. "'vrything turned out alrite, wight…? Ah-ha-ha…" she laughed stiffly.

Natsu blinked. "Oh, you were here too, Lucy? I hadn't noticed!"

"Just put on some fucking clothes on already, damn you!" Lucy shouted, tossing a hand basket on his head.

"You haven't put on any either," Cana pointed out. "Nor me, for that matter? Oops."

"This… This won't count as the first time I ever had sex, will it?" a very worried Chisame asked Mirajane. "I mean, I'm kinda saving myself for someone I, um, might meet in the future, not someone I have met yet, but…"

"Oh, you climaxed just from that?" Mira blinked. "You're a sensitive one, aren't you?"

 _"I did not, I am not!"_

But at least it had been better than a Negimaru First Time, it must be said.

* * *

 **Finis.**


	8. Chapter 8

In a land far, far away lies the Kingdom of Fiore, a small, peaceful nation of seventy million, and a place filled with magic. Found in every home, bought and sold in every marketplace. For most, magic is merely a tool, a mundane part of everyday life. For some, however, magic is an art, and they've devoted their lives to its practice. These are the wizards. Banded together into magical guilds, they ply their skills in search of fame and fortune. Many such guilds dot the landscape of Fiore. But there is a certain guild in a certain town that soars high above the rest, one from which countless legends have been born. A guild that will no doubt continue to create legends well into the future. Its name...

...is _**Fairy Tail**_.

What? Were you expecting for Ala Alba?

* * *

Mashima Hiro and Kodansha created and own _Fairy Tail_.

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

* * *

 **Omake! No Place Like (Other's) Home!**

* * *

 _Hello, Chiu-chan here...! Oh, Chiu-chan's summer vacation is turning out such a pain! Chiu-chan got lost in a scary, strange parallel world with an even scarier bullheaded clubmate, and now Chiu-chan's got to work for a guild of crazy mages, without a single yen to her name, and with everyone out there looking for the bounty on her poor widdle head...!_

 _If you are good Chiu Fans, please leave your support messages and likes, okay? Love you, bye! I promise I'll have another update ready as soon as I can...!_

* * *

 _Or, that is what I would like to say, anyway._

* * *

"Aaaaaahhhh, now that was a tough job to pull off!" yawned the salmon haired youngster in the open black jacket, loose white pants, sandals and scarf, exiting the Fairy Tail headquarters while stretching his arms over his head. Even a certain similarly minded pirate currently sailing one continent away would have admired his elasticity in that movement then. "Hey, Happy, you wanna go for a bite outside? I think we've earned it!"

"Are you serious, Natsu?!" cheerfully asked the tiny, bipedal blue cat skipping behind him, down the sidewalk. "Alright, let's go for some fish! Fish, fish is the best! A must for any celebration, aye!"

"Fish is it, then, yahoo!" Natsu Dragneel pumped a fist up. "We're gonna go eat and drink 'til we're broke again, mwa ha ha ha!"

And off they went, down the streets of the village, heading towards the central square, around which the town's biggest and best bars and restaurants were located. Half hidden behind a tree not too far them, with a glint in her large brown eyes, a busty young blonde woman in a tight top and short skirt grinned at that. "Good, this is our chance!" she told the much less enthusiastic, somewhat shorter and decidedly less busty girl with glasses and long light brown hair standing behind her. "Finally, they've left the homefront open, ufufu...!"

"I don't get it, what's so good about visiting those two morons' home?" Hasegawa Chisame groaned, following Lucy Heartfilia down a small side road leading out of the village proper and into a tiny grove in the nearby woods, where stood a cabin, even smaller and more primitive looking than Evangeline's. "Did they steal anything from you, or what?"

"Well, a few things, but never mind that now," answered the girl who had accepted Chisame as her houseguest once Kikukawa Yukino had convinced Fairy Tail not to deliver Chisame and Haruka to the authorities. Chisame felt herself indebted to Lucy after that, which was the only reason why she was tagging along in this stupid thing the normally sensate girl had talked her into doing now. "It's the principle of the thing! Natsu and Happy are breaking into my house all the time, crashing by without an invitation, it's time I paid them in the same coin! Ah ha ha ha, the time of my revenge has come!"

"You're going to clean the guy's pigpen for him, aren't you," Chisame dryly deduced. "Oh my God, Lucy-san, that's just plain sad..."

"I'm not!" Lucy said.

"Then are you going to break his windows? Egg his walls? I don't know, anything actually involving houses and revenges at the same time?" Chisame asked, as they stopped before the front door.

Lucy gave her a very strange look. "What a violent girl you are. Are you sure you're really innocent of terrorism?"

"You were the one who started talking about breaking, entering, and revenges!" Chisame protested.

"Yeah, about the breaking and entering part," Lucy hummed, rubbing her chin while eyeing the door carefully. "How to get in, I wonder, do you think Natsu's dumb enough as to leave a key under the doormat...?"

Chisame frowned, pushed the door in with a hand, and it easily opened for them, just like that.

"Darwinism just doesn't apply to some people," Lucy decided, walking inside with a far more wary and distrustful Chisame in tow. "Ew, what a disaster!" she said, looking around at the messy living room. The walls were all covered on old sheets of paper taken from Fairy Tail's message boards, and there were several dirt plates and glasses on a small table and the rest of the furniture. A hammock hung lazily by a corner, next to two heavily damaged crudely made dummies, more akin to scarecrows than anything else, with the words 'Erza' and 'Gray' written on each of them. Of course, the Erza dummy had massive amounts of stuffing stuck down its shirt, so its chest bulged up in a way that made Chisame briefly take a hand to her nose.

Lucy noticed this, but decided to pretend she hadn't. All in all, she was fond of Chisame, after all. "Huh," she said instead, looking in all directions with her hands on her hips. "Will you just look at this? If I didn't know them any better, I'd swear this is some weird psycho's hut, and that they have someone buried under the floor, ha ha..."

"That's... not funny, Lucy-san," Chisame said, then took a moment to crouch down, lift one of the wooden planks of the floor up, and look under just in case.

"No, I guess it isn't," Lucy allowed, while also taking a short glimpse under another plank, also just in case. "But it's not like we could've expected anything else, could- What is that?"

"What is what?" Chisame echoed, watching Lucy move towards one of the walls, and intently stare at several framed notice posts. Coming closer, Chisame noticed Lucy was smiling warmly, touching a framed sheet with the tips of her fingers. "Is that an important mission of yours, or...?"

"The first one I did with Natsu," Lucy told her. "See? It says so right here," she added, pointing at some clumsy scrawling written at the bottom. "Ah, so that huge idiot really cares, after all...!"

Chisame scowled, noticing the faint blush on Lucy's cheeks and feeling her own stomach turn around a little, but decided against mentioning that. After all, she, too, respected Lucy enough for it, even if her taste in men completely befuddled and appalled her. Looking around further, the blonde gasped, skipping towards a French maid outfit in display on an old mannequin. "Ohhh! And this is the undercover costume I wore for that job, too! And that!" she pointed at an autograph stuck to the wall with a huge hunting knife. "That's the sign of the false Salamander! Natsu rescued me from him when we first met! And those are pieces of rubble from the time we destroyed the guild's meeting hall, and that's a collar from when we went to Garuna Island, and that's-"

"Lucy-san..." Chisame began to say quietly, growing slightly worried already. "I am sort of familiar with the subject, but I don't know if _you_ are familiar with the concept of a 'stalker shri-'"

 _"That's soooo sweet of them...!"_ a completely moved Lucy sobbed, taking her hands to her chest and fully ignoring what Chisame was saying, making the younger girl groan. "Okay, I just can't be mad at them after this! They may be goofs, but they always mean well! Chisame, let's clean this mess so they get a nice surprise when they get back, okay?!"

"See, I knew it! You always were going to end up as their darn housekeeper! Lucy-san!" Chisame angrily accused.

"Well, to be honest, I expect you to pull most of the work off. You are my junior and guest, after all..."

"That's unfair!"

"Hey, in this world, others would have put a maid outfit and a shock collar on you already! This is what I get out of being nice...?"

* * *

Lucy pouted as she and an exhausted Chisame sat at the middle of a pristine, so clean it glinted living room, all memorabilia pieces carefully and lovingly organized, all the silverware washed and stored way conveniently, the floors scrubbed and the Erza dummy being given a lovely new bright red wig (this part had been Chisame's idea, actually. She had been oddly adamant about it, and once again, Lucy wisely chose not pushing on the subject.)

"What," the blonde finally asked, in a highly strained tone, "is taking them so long?"

Chisame barely could muster a tired moan. "They're single guys on a spending drinking spree, why should they be home early...?"

Lucy cried out, springing up to point at the moons in the sky through a window. "There's not being home early, and then there's being this late! What if they were mugged?!"

"What kind of thief could ever take on Natsu-san?!" Chisame yelled back.

"W-What if they're being harassed by shady women?!" Lucy asked next.

"What kind of woman would have such awful taste?!" Chisame pointed out, making Lucy wince predictably and stutter.

"W-Well... What if it's not actually a woman?! Huh? Had you thought of that?!"

"... I don't think cross dressers anywhere are that desperate either," Chisame said.

Lucy sighed, letting her shoulders drop. "Oh, whatever. You know what? Waiting for someone to come home, only for them to no-show... it makes one feel just so lonely and miserable. Was ever that way with that boy of yours?"

"Sometimes, I suppose..." Chisame conceded begrudgingly. "A few times, he would disappear for hours because he had run into monsters and was fighting them without bothering to tell anyone, and others, he'd be too busy with his colleagues, but..." she sighed sadly. "By this point, I'm even missing those headaches he always was giving me, already. And being here only makes that feeling worse. Can't we just go back home now?"

Lucy paused, then ended up nodding. "Let's. We'll listen to what they have to say about this tomorrow anyway..."

* * *

"SO YOU WERE HERE THIS WHOLE TIME, YOU TWO-?!" Lucy yelled at the top of her outraged lungs, to no avail as Natsu and Happy, still flung all over the couch of their living room, still didn't wake up from their shared drunk and sated stupor, while Chisame facepalmed and shook her head time and time again.

Natsu scratched himself in the taut stomach and mumbled sleepily. "Lucy... c'me back home awwedy..."

"Aye..." Happy hiccuped in dreams.

At that, Lucy blinked, then softened just as quickly, with a goofy grin spreading across her face. "Ahhhh, I don't have the heart to kick them out...!" She turned sharply to her new housemate. "Chisame, you do it. But please do it only after I have turned around."

Chisame was still exhausted, but not enough as to not carry this particular order out.

* * *

 **Finis.**


End file.
